When most adults think about flexibility for a child, they think about getting the child to do what they want them to do. When a child digs in and becomes resistant or defiant to have things their way, the adult sees the alternative as having the child do things the adult’s way. While listening to adults is something children should do some of the time, that is not what flexibility is. If we strive to make a child do what we want versus what they want, we are actually modeling the very same rigidity that we’re trying to discourage in them. We’re saying, “It’s my way or the highway,” which is exactly what they are saying. Children need to be able to follow instructions and understand that adults do have more experience, information, and knowledge than they do. However, when a child is exhibiting rigidity, defiance, and/or inflexibility, the way in which we are going to help a child develop flexibility is not by forcing them to do what we want or creating power battles.
What does Flexibility Look Like?
The truth is that these emotionally charged situations are great opportunities for learning, but only if we understand what the learning process looks like. Helping a child learn to be flexible means that we need to be modeling flexibility. This does not mean that we give in to what the child wants/demands. It means whenever possible, we want to get into a back-and-forth interaction focused on assisting the child to come up with their own alternative ideas and their own adaptations to what they want. What this means is that if a child wants to do something their way, instead of pushing our way of doing it, we challenge them to think about alternative ways of achieving their goal/desire. They are the ones coming up with second, third, and fourth ideas, versus having to accept our idea or someone else’s alternative idea.
By allowing them to feel in control of adapting their ideas and coming up with new solutions to accomplish their needs or goals, we’re allowing them to develop a thinking process focused on flexibility. Also, the very fact we’re having this conversation with them is showing them that we are willing to be flexible in these moments. If at first, they don’t come up with an agreeable alternative, sometimes we can make suggestions or even ask slightly more directed questions.
When to Practice Flexibility
If we only practice this flexible thinking process around challenging moments, like transitions, conflicts, and disagreements then the child is associating flexibility with moments of stress. They will be less likely to generalize this type of thinking because of the intensity and the negative emotions surrounding those conflicts. However, as with any skillset, if we start practicing it during fun, positive, motivating experiences; like when we’re playing and creating rules for a game, then we see that the child is actually developing the skill of thinking creatively, flexibly and coming up with multiple solutions to a problem because it’s enjoyable for them. If we do this daily around a range of experiences, then this skill is more likely to be generalized and then can eventually be applied to more challenging and conflict-oriented moments.